The worst reviews. (2)

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Gumby dammit
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Post by Gumby dammit » Sun Feb 20, 2005 2:05 pm

I'm surprised no one did this one yet...

Half Life 2
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

This game SHOULD be called, 'Halo 2 Ripoff'. First off, the original Half Life didn't compare to Halo 1, so I won't even aknoledge it's existance. Fast foward 5-6 years later, HL 2 FINALY comes out, a little more than a week after Halo 2 (( YEY! )), and it's a BLATANT ripoff.
First, the graphics. These graphics are good, but you have to think. 'Where have I seen graphics like this before? Oh yeah, Halo 2!'. Valve blatantly copied Halo 2's graphics EXACTLY. Normaly, I'd say this is good, but it rips off of Halo 2.
Next, the controls. The keyboard has no right or left trigger, so I can't shoot. There are no thumbsticks, so I can't move. The A, B, X, and Y buttons are all out of place, and they don't do what they're supposed to do. They suck, horribly.
Alright, next, the Characters. I have NO idea what this 'Gordon Freeman' guy looks like, because you only see his arms and hands throughout the whole game. He doesn't talk, or make any social interaction. Next, this ***** named Alyx Vance. She has the hots for Gordon, EVEN THOUGH HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT SHOOT CRAP. Next is Eli Vance, a black scientist who lost his leg to a monster. IF YOU LOSE A LEG YOU DIE DAMMIT. Next is Barney Calhoun, a retard he used to be a security guard. Seriously, this guy is more retarded than Barney the dinosaur.
The story is next. The story... Um, I dunno. No one explained anything. They never told who the combine were, they never explained why Gordon was treated like a prophet (( EVEN THOUGH HE CAN'T FREAKING TALK )), and lasty, they never explained WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON. WHY DID THE COMBINE ENSLAVE EARTH, HOW YOU *** RESISTANCE FIGHTERS! STUPID HIPPIES.
This game sucks. If you want what REALLY inspired HL2, buy Halo 2. That game is GREAT.

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Post by spywaremagnet » Sun Feb 20, 2005 5:55 pm

MARIO AND LUIGI: SUPERSTAR SAGA :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

Okay, what inspired Nintendo to make this sequel to Paper Mario? And covering it up with AlphaDream animation? I have no idea.

Let's start with the beginning. (attention:spoilers!) We see a Goodwill Ambassodor from the BeanBean Kindom do... something to Princess Peach. (who else?) Apparently, her voice was stolen. OH NO! HER VOICE IS STOLEN! OH NOOOOOOO!

So, you end up stuck in the border between BeanBean kingdom and Mushroom kingdom. Two turtles in fancy suits make you play a horrendously easy minigame, then you see that some green thing took Bowser and stuffed him in a cannon. Of course now we must free him. (Keep in mind this is the SAME Bowser we broke our backs to defeat in oh-so-many games.)

After freeing Bowser, we have to go through some sort of quest to get your hammers. Sheesh, they clearly forgot to pack them on the trip.

After going through THAT, you finally get to go to BeanBean castle town. And you get to play another extremely easy minigame.

More and more "adventures" occur. Woohoo Hooneversity, Chucklehuck woods, Oho Oasis (home of the mentally retarded Ohos), Oho Ocean, and then FINALLY a plot twist. Bowser is blacked out, and then Fawful appears. Remember you just defeated Cackletta in Woohoo Hooneversity? Well, she just put her spirit in Bowser's body. Seems like we'll be fighting Bowser (or now, Bowletta) anyway.

Okay, okay... more filler... collecting the pieces of the Beanstar... then you go to Bowsers castle, where you must battle the Koopalings. :mad:

You finally battle Bowletta. When you defeat her, a Bob-omb sneaks up on you and blows up. Perfect timing, Bobbie. Bowletta sucks you up, and now you must battle the spirit of Cackletta inside Bowletta's stomach. (Eeeewww...) After defeating the insanely easy Cackletta and escaping the castle... WAIT, THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME? THAT'S ALL? *sigh*... and I paid thirty bucks for this.

(end review)

Well, that's my first Worst Review. I do think that Cackletta was easy, it only took me one try to beat her.
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Post by Codiekitty » Sun Feb 20, 2005 8:10 pm

Lemmings (SNES)

I like cheese.

This is not cheese.

Therefore, I do not like this.

Image
Where are these lemmings going? The Super Nintendo Super Shire! Hop in line and follow them there!

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Post by superplyr10 » Sun Feb 20, 2005 9:20 pm

Beyond Good and Evil
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

Wow. Is this the most boring game in the universe or what? Story sucks. You play this girl, named Jade, and you have to uncover a government conspiracy. It's intellegent, it's well done and we gamers don't like that sort of thing. you fight these monsters which, for some reason, don't spill any blood. Also, you have to take pictures of them. Since when did incoporating Pokemon Snap seem like a good idea? There are also stealth levels. Now in Splinter Cell, that cool, here, it's crap. You can only kick you enemys in the back. Boring. Just like this game.

(Just a reminder for those of you who are to lazy to read through 19 pages of "worst reviews", We're making fun of REAL bad reviews. Most of these games are good, but we're making them sound like crap.)
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Post by Blue Yoshi » Fri Mar 11, 2005 4:11 pm

Doom 3

0/\/\G D15 g4/\/\3 15 (0/\/\mY00Ni57 CuZ 1 521d 50!

OMG this game is communist because i said so!

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Post by LOOT » Fri Mar 11, 2005 4:43 pm

Super Mario Bros.

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

As a soccer mom, this game is ruining our children's lives! It encourages children to eat drugged Mushrooms and get high on flower power! What's worse, they must save a princess, which means it's a Monarch, AND THAT MEANS RELIGION. :mad:

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Post by Sim Kid » Fri Mar 11, 2005 11:11 pm

World of Warcraft


:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:


I have noticed that when I turned this on, I saw nothing but Blizzard's cry for help-If StarCraft:Ghost hasn't convinced you that they're crap now, their EverQuest-ripoff, World of Warcraft, is proof. Everything, even the cows-err I mean the Tauren, was taken directly from EverQuest, only instead of having to fight the same monsters for months to level up you're doing quests to level up. Even the /train was stolen directly from EverQuest. Don't buy Blizzard's little ****. Instead buy EverQuest II. That's the only MMORPG. Oh, and DRUIDS. AND. WARRIORS. SUCK. MAJOR. ASS. SHAMAN ARE THE ONLY CLASS WORTH PLAYING!


This is actually based off of some people's opinion. :rolleyes:

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Post by Gumby dammit » Sat Mar 12, 2005 10:07 am

Viewtiful Joe 2
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

Okay, this is Capcom's second game (( I'm not counting Megaman, Resident Evil, Celda, or any other games made by Capcom 'cause they suck )). Viewtiful Joe 1 was their first. Got it?
Anyway, this takes place RIGHT after the first one, so I had NO idea what to do, as the first one was too hard and made me quit during the first level. In this game, you play as Joe and Silvia (( A.K.A. T3H HOTNESS!!! )) as they go through different films. I DON'T SEE THEM GOING THROUGH ANY FILMS WITH HOT CHIX IN THEM.
Now, the most important part, the GRAPHIX! These look like Celda! It's cel shaded! Where's Halo 2 quality graphix? SUX.
Now the gameplay. It's decent, but of course I'm not counting gameplay 'cause gameplay doesn't matter worth crap in a game.
The sound/music/voices! They're decent, but I can't stand Joe. He's always like 'BYEBYE', 'CAN'T TOUCH MEH!', TOO SLOW!', 'REDHOTKICK' AHHHHHHH!!! IT GETS ON MY ****ING NERVES!
I would give this 8 mad faces, but Silvia is T3H HOTNESS (( Especialy her boss battle uniform )), so I gave the game a break.

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Post by X-3 » Sat Mar 12, 2005 12:26 pm

I feel like doing 1 after ^....

VIEWTIFUL JOE:

OMG, THIS GAME SUCKS. ITS BASICLY A GAME WHERE YOU SAVE SOME WEIRD MOVIE LAND WHILER FIGHTING BOSSES THAT TAKE 50000000000 TIMES TO BEAT, LIKE THAT LION THINGY. AND THE VOICES THINK. SILVIA PISSES ME OFF, JOE SOUNDS LIKE NUMBER 4 FROM KIDS NEXT DOOR, AND CAPTIAN BLUE SOUNDS LIKE A OLD MAN. THE GRAPHICS STINK! LOOK AT RESIDENT EVIL 4! THAT WAS A LOT BETTER! I HATE CEL-SHADED GRAPHICS! THE SOUND IN THIS GAME IS THE WORST. IT BARELY GETS ME HUMMING THE SONGS. THE GAMEPLAY IS BAD TOO. I HATE SLOW, ZOOM AND MACH! GEEZE, WHY IS JOE EVEN ABLE TO CONTROL IT? HE ISNT A DIRECTOR! I GIVE THIS GAME 0/10 POINTS!

P.S: THE BOSS OF THE BIGHT TOWN IS OVER-RATED!

Note: This wa a ioke and was acually not based from GameFAQs.

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Post by superplyr10 » Sat Mar 12, 2005 7:02 pm

* Based on a true review I saw on GameFAQs*

Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

I can't believe they changed the graphics. What the hell is Nintendo THINKING?!?! They took the totally bad-ass Link from OoT and made him a Powerpuff girl. WTF?????!!!!!????? I can't even look at the game without getting sick.
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Post by Galefore » Sat Mar 19, 2005 10:02 pm

Pikmin (1 and 2 combined review)
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

DANGIT IT FRI MY LIEK BRAN TO PLAY DIS CUZ IT HAS PUXXLES I THOUGHT LIEK THID GAME COULD MAKE LIEK ME KILL TEH LITTLE PLANT DUEDS BU7 YPU HAVE TO USE DEM TO LIEK SOLVE PUZZLES AND THEY LIEK DON'T GET TO LIEK MAKE TEH BLOODY GUT STUFF COM3 OUT WITH LIEK TEH GUNS AND I DON'T LIEK IT CUZ IT NOT COL OH LOOK A BANNANA I EAT IT NOW IT TASTY LIEK LAST YEARS OLD AND MOLDY CHEESEBURGER HEH I AM LIEK FUNNY OH YEAH WHAST ABOUT PIKMIN TWO YEA IT LIEK SUCKS TWO CUZ IT IS MAN IT GIT WORSER BECUZ YOU GOT TA SOLVE HARDER PUZZLES OW MY BRAIN LIKE IT SUCKS MAN DO NOT LIEK BUY TEH PIECE OF (dies from sudden explosion of pancreas.)

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Post by Dark Weasel » Tue Mar 22, 2005 11:33 pm

Super Mario 64 DS.

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

Oh. My. God.

What crackhead thought THIS was a good idea?! I wish I could have been in the meeting for this...

Nintendo Bigwig 1: Let's see. The DS launch is next week, and dammit, we need a killer app!

Nintendo Bigwig 2: What, you don't think this back-rubbing simulator will do it?

NB1: Not a chance! Now think with me...we need a good, familiar name....OF COURSE! Mario! What's he up to, lately?

NB2: But sir! We have only one week! That's not nearly enough time to create a quality Mario game that will keep the brand's reputation good!

NB1: Hmm....you're right. ...I've got it! We'll take Super Mario 64, a bona fide classic, we'll compress it, add some half-assed bonus levels, and ship it! It's brilliant! The magazines will NEVER bash it, because it's SUPER MARIO 64!

NB2: But sir! It's technically impossible to effectively recreate the experience of the original without an analog stick!

NB1: That's what the touch-screen is for! They'll be so inthralled by this revolutionary technology that they won't care that they have to hold our oddly heavy system in an absurdly uncomfortable way to have a chance!

NB3: And we can have lousy digital control for the nonconformists!

NB1: Exactly! And by God, they'll be so wrapped up in their nostalgia, they won't even notice that they're dying every five minutes! Slap on some hot multiplayer action and send it out! Lord, I am GOOD.


Seriously. Whoever thought 'Let's make the game that essentially created analog platforming....WITHOUT the analog!' is going to be killed to death one of these days.
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Post by X-3 » Wed Mar 23, 2005 5:14 pm

I dont really mind the analog thingy.

Review:

Amazing Island:

Every company has a joke game, and it seems this is Sega's.

First off.... the graphics suck. Second, If I wanted minigames, I'd turn to Wario Ware, which are acually fun. I dont get why Sega thought, "OMG, LETS HAVE A GAME WHERE YOU CREATE CREATURES, BUT.... YOU HAVE TO BEAT THE FIRST COARSE WHICH IS HARD WITH A UGLY MONSTER SOME GUY MAKES. HMMM... ITS TIME TO TAKE A BREAK FROM GOOD MUSIC. LETS PUT GOD-AWFUL MUSIC WITH BAD VOICES AND A HORIBLE PLOT WITH NO ORIGINALITY." Serisoly, I've seen better origniality in a port. This game is way too hard, the guys are stupid, and other things clash. Also, I got stuck after the second coarse because I skipped the damn "Whats new" scene which would show where it is. I made another file, but I couldnt beat the second coarse again.

I'm glad I rented this game only.

Joke games(Only some):

Square Enix: FF:CC

Capcom: Some MegaMan games

This game gets :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: + 5 more.

13= Worst game I have ever played.

Note most of this review is my idiot side.

[ June 13, 2005, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: X-3 X ]

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Gumby dammit
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Post by Gumby dammit » Thu Mar 24, 2005 5:36 pm

Devil May Cry 3
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

Kay, I hate this game. Why? It's too damn hard. It took me like, 500 times to beat the SECOND boss.

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Post by Viceroy Nute Gunray » Thu Mar 24, 2005 7:32 pm

Halo

this game suks i h8 xbox its gay
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Sim Kid
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Post by Sim Kid » Mon Mar 28, 2005 11:16 pm

(Based off of a real review I saw)

Final Fantasy 9

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:


Square has officially gone insane. This game is here as proof of it. After Final Fantasy VII, the games slowly became crap-Final Fantasy Tactics's boring-as-hell storyline that no one can understand, 100% of Xenogears, Most of Final Fantasy VIII, and all of this game.

I mean, geez, why the heck did they make this game? The only reason Final Fantasy VIII exists is because Final Fantasy VII is such a great game. If it weren't for Final Fantasy VII, the Final Fantasy Franchise wouldn't even EXIST anymore!

So Square-Enix just made this crap-game because Final Fantasy VII sold so well-Good thing that this is an RPG so it either
a) takes place a very long period of time after the previous entry or
b) has absolutley nothing to do with the previous entry
And here, it's b), so you have no worires, this isn't ruining Final Fantasy VII, this is just ruinining the Final Fantasy name.

The heroes are lame. You have a guy with a tail-Who's a blonde loser who's nowhere near as good as cloud, a bimbo who gets in trouble all the time, a very strong knight with attitude, a kid with a secret, a person who uses a spear, a person with a mysterious past, a girl with powers, and a comic relief character.

This is the exact same characters we enjoyed in Final Fantasy VII for crying out loud! The only thing that can be considered "original" is the blonde loser with a tail, and what a stupid concept that is! The story is laughable and only shows that VII's is superior. And it's four disks long-ooooh my! When it's four discs long, it HAS to be good! No it's not! Just avoid Final Fantasy IX and replay VII.

[ March 28, 2005, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: Sim Mew Tycoon ]

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Gumby dammit
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Post by Gumby dammit » Thu Mar 31, 2005 4:05 pm

^ GameFAQs, right?

Timesplitters 2 (( X-Box ))
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

THIS SUCKS BIG BALLS. FIRST OFF THE GRAPHIX SUCK AND THE GRAPHIX ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART, SO THIS GAME SUCKS.
THE GAMEPLAY SUCKS. NO TARGETTING THINGIE, SO I CANT AIM, AND I KNOW THAT YOU CAN JUST PUSH THE RIGHT TRIGGER DOWN TO BRING IT UP BUT I'M TOO DAMN LAZY.
THE CHARACTERS ARE AWESOME, CAUSE SOME OF THE GIRLS WEAR NEXT TO NOTHING LIKE JUNGLE QUEEN. I'M FORGIVING THIS SUCK-BALLS GAME CAUSE OF THE HOTTIES.

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Post by gamergirl_0509 » Thu Mar 31, 2005 6:06 pm

Robopon Sun Version

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: + 50 more

This game is the worst waste of $10 I have ever seen. I can't believe anyone would pay $30 for it. The original had 2 versions BUT THEY DIDN'T EVEN RELEASE THEM AT THE SAME TIME. AND WHY DID THEY HAVE TO MAKE A SEQUAL??? DID THE FIRST ONE NOT SUCK ENOUGH??? IT'S JUST A RIP OFF OF POKEMON WITH A FEW HORRIBLE MINIGAMES ADDED TO IT.

(Wow that was fun, I've wanted to say that for a long time)
(The truth is this game really sucks.)

[ March 31, 2005, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: gamergirl_0509 ]

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Sim Kid
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Post by Sim Kid » Thu Mar 31, 2005 8:07 pm

Originally posted by 10th Star:
^ GameFAQs, right?
Someone at IGN actually.

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Gumby dammit
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Post by Gumby dammit » Sat Apr 02, 2005 10:46 am

^ GameFAQ's idea that FF7 is a religion must be catching on.

Counter Strike
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

I hate this game.

I like naughty pictures.

Some people's spray tags are naughty pictures. I give CS a break.

[ April 02, 2005, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: 10th Star ]

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